Consider this an attempt at an inspirational sequel to the great rug debacle of September 2022. This one:
I recommend you read that before starting this one, if only to see the rug that scarred me.
That failure at interior design shook me. For a year-and-a-half, the mere mention of a rug sent a shiver down my spine. But time heals (most). I am ready, finally, to embark upon a revamp of my room. Yes, I am brave.
Am I an interior design savant? Some are saying!
Now, maybe Iโm approaching this with the same sort of unfounded confidence that convinced me I could have been an NFL slot receiver in another life (I would obviously splinter into a million pieces if I took a hit over the middle).
Butโฆ
But! I believe if I had a decent budget and free rein over this house, I could turn it into one of those vibey, cozy homes that millenial Tik-Tokers rightly gush over.
Let me re-state that. I believe I have good interior design instincts.
I say that with this as our starting point:
Just as a quick recap, there is a decaying couch used for storage of backpacks, clothes, workout items and a multi-year-old box of dog treats. Itโs the liminal piรจce de rรฉsistance.
To its left is Tuckerโs bed with Jakeโs Sports Memorabilia Cornerโข, featuring a signed bat by (un)forgettable Mets catcher Josh Thole, and a Toronto Raptors towel acquired from the 2019 NBA Finals.
There is a varying assortment of trash on the ledge above, and a side table begging for help, featuring my very real copy of Infinite Jest. It is a book I absolutely own, and fully comprehend. No, it is not covering up anything. Thanks for asking. Hold your questions for the end of the tour, please. Moving on!
The bed is sandwiched in the corner so as to imbue a cave-like sensation. The storage area speaks for itself, with the open-air pharmaceutical cabinet and Bowl of Miscellaneous Bullshit the two clear highlights. Not visible are un-assorted Tucker items, ye olde bucket of cords, cables and chargers, and the timeless shoe bin, plus so much more.
The room, is, in a word, busy.
I have no foundation for believing in my interior design instincts to remedy this. My room asserts that belief to be a categorical falsehood.
My counter is that I have never prioritized interior design.
That has changed.
Much of that is due to wanting to share, and not just occupy this space with my girlfriend. As a guy, itโs easy to live in squalor. A room is just a room. Itโs functional. Your things go where you want them to go, or where they land. It doesnโt much matter.
But at a certain point, it no longer reflects your priorities. Iโm too far removed from college to be holding up posters by sticky tack and hiding various sports balls behind my unusable couch. I wanted to make it somewhere my girlfriend and I could come after work and relax. Not a storage unit.
While that was the spark, I pursued this because I wanted to create warmth in my space. I also love that interior design/decorating is new. Itโs a challenge to sink my teeth into. And when I go down a rabbit hole, I follow that thread to the end.
The plan
My room still had to be functional, but also provide a sense of ease, like the one I feel when I walk into her apartment.
Whatever subcutaneous tension I have โ I hold mine in my shoulders โ dissipates when she opens the door. She has a lovely SF apartment rich in natural light, plants, and soft decorations that accent her, and the space.
My room will take an overhaul to provide that sensation.
Luckily, Iโm someone with a fixation for certain details. I can spend five-plus minutes whinging about the hyper-modern, soulless fonts used to number homes nowadays. Minimalism in fonts is a pox upon us. Give me some fucking serifs, you cowards.
Soโฆ where to start? In order to embark on this vibe reconstruction, I knew two things:
I needed a rug
The couch needed to go
The couch was a blight upon the room. It overwhelmed and darkened the space.
With that in mind, I employed some ham-fisted wizardry with Photoshopโs clone tool. I needed to visualize what that space could be without that black hole.
โWow!โ Iโm sure youโre saying. โWhat culture! What warmth! A man of science lives in this liminal land of laminated flooring!โ
Yes, you are correct. Thank you for the kind, sincere words.
The couch had to go. But I also had to decide what color, texture and size rug could occupy the space, and not just be a rug. I wanted to be #thoughtful about my decision.
It had to be something that brightened the room without overwhelming it, keeping it warm, but not blinding. It had to be soft enough to lie down on or do yoga, but sturdy enough to deal with my Australian Shepherd.
At first, I thought blue. But most blues were either the classic Boyโs Room navy, something too bright, or with a pattern that aggrieved the senses. When my middle sister was in town, I sat down with her and my mom to examine the options.
Thankfully, the joy of the 21st century is that technology allows you to upload a photo of your room, then overlay a rug into it. Thatโs where all those glorious photos above came from.
Unfortunately, these websites have limitations on which rugs you can do this with. What ends up happening is you find the right rug, and itโs unavailable for display. So, you try another color and try to find a similar suggested rug in the wrong size that looks like a shower mat.
It was an overwhelming exercise in realizing that not many rugs compliment this space, and/or lacked the right material. You see great horrors in the world when searching for rugs. Who are they for? Why do we need so many? And will I regret for the rest of my life not purchasing this monstrosity below?
Itโs giving Team America: World Police.
About two-thirds of the way through writing this, I realized I had not searched for a โhot dog rug,โ for a shot at redemption.
When I did, I got literal hot dog-shaped rugs. I was looking for the spirit of the hot dog rug, a la the one I purchased, then returned.
(For the record, I think โSpirit of the Hot Dogโ would be an excellent band name.)
I tried โhot dog style rugโ and even โred and yellow mustard squiggle rug,โ to no avail.
I did find this, though. And this, which is even more patriotic than the flag. I even tried this search:
Would you like to know what Google spat out? Exactly what I was looking for.
That rug was the first three results. Then there was this:
America. Fuck yeah.
โฆ drumrooooll
Alright, Iโve lingered on this long enough. Cut to the chase. What fucking rug did you buy?
I was down to four: the first three in the slides at the top of this story, and the last one.
After careful consideration from my family, my girlfriend, Tucker, and the spiritual protractor of Aphex Twinโs โSelected Ambient Works 85-92,โ I selected the following rug:
Pretty fucking sick, if you ask me. I got it from Revival Rugs, which Iโm not linking to because it is, stunningly, not a sponsor of this content. It does, however, have stellar rugs that seem to be semi-sustainably, or at least thoughtfully sourced at reasonable prices.
You may also notice in this photo that the couch is gone and the room is barren.
I will address that, and more, on the next edition of: Jake Buys One Goddamn Piece Of Furniture And Thinks Heโs An Authority On Interior Design.
This is tentatively going to be a three-parter, with the next part about the rest of the room, and the power of the human spirit to overcome a life-threatening battle with a couch.